1 vessel cooking ideas

Cheers! This is lazy Nikita with some crazy ideas in the making.

1) Coffee! Of course- black but!

Mix all ingredients in 1 cup, throw it in the oven and wallah!

2) Honey water! Include this in your morning routine. 1 cup of warmey

3) Cinnamon Tea - I use Snappin powder- 1 vessel, remember?

So add cinnamon tea to your bedtime routine! It just works somehow.

4) Makhana- Love-hate relationship.

Yes the roasting takes a lot of time but poppin in is so much fun- 2 vessels here because you're storing after roasting. Eat directly from the storage container ya?

5) 

She's become so crazy- sure she has an affair- somebody supporting her

My capability got questioned 500 times last month. But it hit rock bottom when I was told that you are acting so crazy that we are sure you have a boyfriend backing you up- now this news has spread like a wildfire that I have a boyfriend in my life and that he's "influencing" me to do all of this. WOW!

Sure, I have external support- go to my social media pages/call log- I'm supported by women's cell, helpline, support NGOs, Suicide helplines and that is backing me up. That is making me stronger to fight this patriarchal society. Your rubbish thoughts of me always being "influenced" instead of thinking I have come out stronger than ever are making me sick day by day. 

Pointing every time to my character, taming my identity, and putting me down always, making me count 2 huge mistakes of my life every single time is only and only making me feel worse about myself and you feeding each other with negative impressions on me had made me anti-social. 

You be happy with your mentality but I refuse to raise myself or my children with these thoughts. Did I say, children? Lol I won't have any children- not even marriage. I won't even live to turn 29. 

Someone ripped the brakes of my car...

 You know what today felt like? 

I am driving safely and sound- following all the rules, signs, and everything. Someone comes and rips the breaks of my car. And leaves. And blames me for not being a safe driver and tells the world about it- calls everyone home and says how irresponsibly did I drive and how I couldn't handle it with brakes failed. 

Superficial Support system

 "Your attitude is not right. You are so negative. Usually, my son sleeps at X am. Today with you around, he slept 45 minutes late because he sensed something was wrong. Your negative energy was so much around us that even he felt it." Says someone in my family to me. I was wondering why was I even invited to stay over then? 

I feel like an unknown parcel or a ball for which no one wants to take the onus but just want to pass it over to someone else to figure out what to do with this unwanted parcel.

Agreed I'm a girl child and I've taken 2 major wrong steps in my life over the span of 10 years. Agreed that these steps did bring shame to my family for that day and left behind a deep scar. Agreed that I did not do much for them to heal that scar. Agreed I deserved some punishment,  consequence, hatred, and everything that a person deserves when she brings shame to her family.  Agreed. My question is for how long? My question is why is this brought up when I want to make a decision for moving ahead in my life? Each time I do something big or think of doing something big, why am I pulled down by being reminded of these 2 devastating incidences? 

Minutes of family meeting- Just in case!

So it started with 1 evening when dad asked mom to have a conversation with me because I seemed a little upset. She came when dad told her for the 4th time now when she asked dad what to talk to her? and dad said just anything, just go to her room. All she spoke about was how a distant family was infected with COVID and things. She went out the next minute. Dad called me outside to sit with them and the moment I put my butt on the sofa, I started to shed tears. Of course dad knew it all and she had an idea of it as dad told her and she had already decided to not send me anywhere outside the house for whatever X amount of money was I offered by X school in the world. She asked did you even discuss this with me? All I said was there was no use as I heard you telling dad that you won't let me go anyway so I din't care to talk to you because you don't care either. She called my sister- as they always do, talks to her more than me- not that I care. So very strategically had a conversation with her and called her and brother-in-law home the next day.

I only got to know the morning when I woke up that they were coming and when mom left to buy stuff for them to eat and things, dad told me the whole plot- otherwise me & dad were not allowed to talk in person- for whatever reason. After hearing the plot, I texted my sister that there was no use coming if you guys have already decided that I have to put down the offer. She called me to say, mom called us and we don't want you to "feel" like you're alone so we're coming.

Its funny how there is always a superficial support around- just to make me "feel" that I'm supported and to tell the other extended family that we have together made a decision- what lies! I of course knew these games were always played around me but it was only confirmed when I called some 5 odd counselling and helpline numbers and told all of them my story and with their questions and my answers- they did explain me my current situation and how I was fighting different battles at the same time and when I'm about to find a solution to 1- the discussion jumps to something else. For example- here I am trying to explain how my career will be boosted by taking up this offer and the questions shot at me was 'do you love us? do u like it when we're around for you?' I mean all the concrete discussion goes down the drain and is left to meet the sea and find its way on its own because I need to answer that yes I love them and I don't mind their company and etc and etc. 

Of course with these million minutes spent on explaining and narrating my story to the helpline numbers- I got to know that I did not lack clarity, strength, determination or confidence. What was happening was there were different cards played by my parents as and when they/she wished to put me and my dreams down- the victim card, the November 2019 card, the we can't trust a girl card, the we-have to face the world card, the we have to answer the relatives card, the people will point fingers at us card, the mental health stigma card, the marriage card, the age card, the biological clock card, the we-don't need your money card, the how much more will you study card, the how you cannot stay alone card, the take us along with you card, the so many not so helpful in decision making cards... as and when they wished- without realising the impact. 

This was after the Sunday when my sister and brother-in-law visited just to tell me that if you go to Dubai- the stakes are very high, do you still want to go? And I was left with this question. They definitely knew that I needed to get out of the house so each one gets a break and I was offered to stay with them and have all the freedom- to stay out, socialise, go explore and I'm sorry? When did I say I am craving for freedom? That is your underlying assumption about me wanting to have freedom for these social fantasies which I'm absolutely ok not having. Been more than 1 year, I've been out only twice and I have my reasons. Here the question is that I want to take the offer- how can you help me? So instead of we cannot help you here- it's like here's an offer- to make you "feel" free because I did tell them I'm feeling trapped. Trapped when I said that- I meant I was not allowed to explore the career and cities of my choice- trapped to make decisions. Not for socialising! Hello? Are you even getting me?

I will tell you about the November 2019 and episodes slightly later- in another post maybe.

 

Because it happened again!

 I am writing this because it happened again! 

To start with, I am 29, quite reckless in decision-making, over thinker, can be easily annoyed when controlled. I am writing this because I see no other way out, I am writing this to reflect of what I think makes sense, what I am seeing is what I am believing and I am writing this to tell them what I never could- when I'm no longer around. I am writing this so I can find a way while I'm writing.

Let's get straight- the situation right now is quite bizarre. I got an opportunity in Vietnam which according to me is a big deal. Agreed it ain't a dream destination or a dream workplace- but where am I living a dream anyway right now? 

Like I mentioned I'm quite a reckless decision maker- which has always satisfied me and personally I have no problems with it but everyone around me sees it as a big problem- so some of them end up deciding things for me- I'm 29 and still! What's worst? They don't believe in discussing before deciding. 

I am looking at the country- Vietnam and all the bright and dark sides of living there alone- whatever it is, it looks way better than my current situation, home, city and social circle for sure!

I discussed this with my father and he was happy, expressed his thoughts & concerns, everything was discussed and I was happy with the kind of conversation we had and that we did not decide on anything. Then comes a person with who I'm in cross with for about a year now- mother! She has already decided of not sending me anywhere- no matter what!

I am desperate to move and this is my chance- I don't want to miss it. I want to go and I'm clear I want to go. I've been reading articles about Vietnam and alongside, reading about toxic people as well and to my surprise, all boxes were ticked when I was checking if mother is toxic- sure she is!

And now I spoke to my sister- again no congratulations, good job, well done. Instead what I got was "no matter how lucrative, i don't think that it's appropriate to take this up at the moment." "Because mum wants u to be married" 

I don't understand being punished so severely, being treated so miserably and asked to do things so unreasonably. At the age of 29 where some people fly, here I am, trapped, boxed, caged, blamed!

Mental illness- does it become a big hinderance in one's life? I don't think so- I, the one who suffered refuse to believe that any illness can come your way of progress. You can, you definitely can achieve laurels no matter what illness you have. Coming to how a family looks at you and your illness? Some dickheads will look at it as your inability- your destiny, your flaw, your limitation and what not- they look at it as; if she was strong, she would have been in a better position in her career/relationships. They directly assume you're not strong- they make you think and believe that you are not strong- this is absolute trash! You're way stronger and way more able than they think of you or sometimes way more than what they are. You gotta gotta tell them that! You have to fight for your opportunities and not let your past mental episodes come in the way of decisions for present or future. Good and bad things can happen anytime, anywhere. There is no guarantee for anything. 

And, you gotta wipe your own tears. When a person- physically or mentally ill cries sometimes, some of them think- poor her, she might be feeling sorry for herself. But I know you're not sorry or you are not pitying yourself. You're just crying! It's normal for anyone to cry. But its not normal- when someone choses not to pacify you, offer you a kerchief, water or comfort you when you're crying. So tell me who is mentally ill here? 

I'm on my journey to make things happen, to make 1 more decision which sounds reckless but is deeply thought about. I always wear a safety belt but I don't consider it is necessary to tell 50 people around me that I have my safety belt on. It's common sense that at 29, a person is responsible enough, well learnt and I just want to start driving knowing I'm safe. Again, I do not consider it necessary to tell people around me of my thoughts on my journey- It's my journey, I'm old enough to make it my own. 

Quarantined

Gosh this phase and boredom!

I argued with my friend when he said that "this is not a holiday!." It hit me when I could no longer go for my walks or shop for anything. People all over are roaming with a mask on even when the doctor suggests that wear only if you are suffering from flu or cold and cough.

Well I am super bored to be honest. What about you guys?