Minutes of family meeting- Just in case!

So it started with 1 evening when dad asked mom to have a conversation with me because I seemed a little upset. She came when dad told her for the 4th time now when she asked dad what to talk to her? and dad said just anything, just go to her room. All she spoke about was how a distant family was infected with COVID and things. She went out the next minute. Dad called me outside to sit with them and the moment I put my butt on the sofa, I started to shed tears. Of course dad knew it all and she had an idea of it as dad told her and she had already decided to not send me anywhere outside the house for whatever X amount of money was I offered by X school in the world. She asked did you even discuss this with me? All I said was there was no use as I heard you telling dad that you won't let me go anyway so I din't care to talk to you because you don't care either. She called my sister- as they always do, talks to her more than me- not that I care. So very strategically had a conversation with her and called her and brother-in-law home the next day.

I only got to know the morning when I woke up that they were coming and when mom left to buy stuff for them to eat and things, dad told me the whole plot- otherwise me & dad were not allowed to talk in person- for whatever reason. After hearing the plot, I texted my sister that there was no use coming if you guys have already decided that I have to put down the offer. She called me to say, mom called us and we don't want you to "feel" like you're alone so we're coming.

Its funny how there is always a superficial support around- just to make me "feel" that I'm supported and to tell the other extended family that we have together made a decision- what lies! I of course knew these games were always played around me but it was only confirmed when I called some 5 odd counselling and helpline numbers and told all of them my story and with their questions and my answers- they did explain me my current situation and how I was fighting different battles at the same time and when I'm about to find a solution to 1- the discussion jumps to something else. For example- here I am trying to explain how my career will be boosted by taking up this offer and the questions shot at me was 'do you love us? do u like it when we're around for you?' I mean all the concrete discussion goes down the drain and is left to meet the sea and find its way on its own because I need to answer that yes I love them and I don't mind their company and etc and etc. 

Of course with these million minutes spent on explaining and narrating my story to the helpline numbers- I got to know that I did not lack clarity, strength, determination or confidence. What was happening was there were different cards played by my parents as and when they/she wished to put me and my dreams down- the victim card, the November 2019 card, the we can't trust a girl card, the we-have to face the world card, the we have to answer the relatives card, the people will point fingers at us card, the mental health stigma card, the marriage card, the age card, the biological clock card, the we-don't need your money card, the how much more will you study card, the how you cannot stay alone card, the take us along with you card, the so many not so helpful in decision making cards... as and when they wished- without realising the impact. 

This was after the Sunday when my sister and brother-in-law visited just to tell me that if you go to Dubai- the stakes are very high, do you still want to go? And I was left with this question. They definitely knew that I needed to get out of the house so each one gets a break and I was offered to stay with them and have all the freedom- to stay out, socialise, go explore and I'm sorry? When did I say I am craving for freedom? That is your underlying assumption about me wanting to have freedom for these social fantasies which I'm absolutely ok not having. Been more than 1 year, I've been out only twice and I have my reasons. Here the question is that I want to take the offer- how can you help me? So instead of we cannot help you here- it's like here's an offer- to make you "feel" free because I did tell them I'm feeling trapped. Trapped when I said that- I meant I was not allowed to explore the career and cities of my choice- trapped to make decisions. Not for socialising! Hello? Are you even getting me?

I will tell you about the November 2019 and episodes slightly later- in another post maybe.